I’ve decided to be kinder to myself when I feel sad
I’ve decided to be grateful for all I ever had…
This morning I woke up in a foul mood. It wasn’t unfamiliar, nor was it strange. It was all too common, and it demanded my attention. I stepped out of bed and into an abyss of negativity. Oh no, not this, my poor mind sighed. Here we go again. Time to sit down with pen and paper and transfer the inner waves into words. I didn’t want to sacrifice the day to feeling bad.
Okay, yes, here we go. Light candles in front of photos, one of my beloved David, the other of the great guru Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi. Curl into the cushioned armchair that readily holds me at times like this. Big breath in; drop into full body presence, the relaxation necessary to allow information to rise and release into cognition. Hands come together in prayer pose; involuntarily, thank God. I am so in need of spiritual spontaneity when I feel this way.
Letters begin to form on the page, gliding into place from the movement of thought and feeling. Apparently, an old pattern of nastyness towards the self has emerged from its den to make an appearance. It’s the one where I characterize myself as inferior to anyone who has accomplished something good creatively. Other writers, singers, creators of any kind. All are better than me. Their success is my failure. I will never be as good as they are, never enough, no matter what I do or how I am.
Instant recognition. This is gnarly and unattractive to say the least, dangerous at worst. A blueprint for creative inertia. Mild alarm that it has shown up again, and along with that, more clarity that it is vital to sit with it. I let myself record every small-minded thought or idea that comes. I write and write. Finally, I’m done with the mean-spiritedness. No more nasty words or embarrassing revelations. I’ve purged it all onto the page.
I’m feeling calmer and kinder towards myself. A sweetness makes its appearance. I breathe it in, eyes closed, tilting my face towards the ceiling and through it to the sky. Everything seems gentler. I can be with all that arises, and let all be as it is, at least for now.
If you’ve not used personal writing to support you during difficult periods, I highly recommend it. Whether you are facing something frightening or trying to understand something about your life, writing provides a powerful entry into the truth of being. It puts you in the moment, which allows the next moment to unfold with more ease. It can make a huge difference in your life.
The quote at the top is from the song Kinder by Copper Wimmin.
What a beautiful and generous sharing, Linda. I too am a journaler, have been for many years. But I’ve never heard the benefits expressed so well. So, I feel I’ve gained something in this reading of your private experience. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Margaret.
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing how courageously you open to whatever you’re feeling. I sometimes sit and meditate with feelings, to welcome them and let them have their say, and your writing is a great way to give them space. Having struggled myself with the notion of not being “enough,” I have a funny post on my AmberStorey.com blog about it, the one about a bad review. ;-D
Thanks, Gail. I’ll take a look at your post.